Failing to declare a funny love
by Bangkok-chan
Summary: Colonel Mustang got a computer, and wrote something he shouldn't have. When Lt. Hawkeye finds out, what happens? Royai fluff, rated for my paranoia.


**Moki: Oneshot! Oneshot! My first one too!**

**Ed: Shut up! Shut up!**

**Al: I don't know what to do!**

**Moki: Well, I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist, Memecenter or Highschool of the Dead and I hope you enjoy!**

~Moo4leArakawa~

"Hey Colonel! I got you this thing and it's sooooooooooo cool! It's called a computer and oh well, I should show you instead..." Havoc kicked the door open, lugging a huge cardboard box into the room. Col. Mustang and the rest of his subordinates (ex. Lt. Hawkeye) looked up, interested.

"What is it, Havoc? I hope this isn't a prank." Mustang said skeptically. Havoc looked unfazed and started explaining.

"Well, I found out about this new invention called a computer, and they were really cheap, so I bought one for me and one for you in your office. I checked out all this stuff it has, you don't have to use paper to send in reports anymore, because of this thing called email. But the person on the other end has to have a computer too. Anyways there's more programs or whatever they call them, and I came across this one called the Internet. It's sorta like a huge community for people who have computers. I saw this "site" thingy-ma-jig called Memecenter, and it had so much funny stuff! You should see after you customise yours first. C'mon, I'll help you before Lt. Hawkeye gets back. So you need a password and a username, a username is the name the computer recognises you with, and a password is pretty much to keep people out. You're screwed if you forget it though. Oh yeah, and I got you this thing called a printer to go with it for free too. You can cheat on your paperwork by copying your signature and you can print the reports you write on your computer out."

Mustang's username was flame29, his password was rizaissosexy and his background was of a miniskirt. Just thought you'd like to know. Anyways, after all the setup was done, Roy went on Memecenter. The first thing he saw was a rage comic, whatever Havoc called it.

Lt. Hawkeye walked into a room full of people who looked like they had inhaled some laughing gas. She narrowed her eyes at the box-like thing on the Colonel's desk which most of the Mustang unit were gathered around. They were laughing the office down and Mustang was rolling a mouse around (she called it that because it looked like a mouse) and clicking it randomly.

"Colonel, you need to finish your paperwork." The lieutenant narrowed her eyes.

" That's preposterous, Lieutenant, when I have..." Roy trailed off.

"Burnt it all, Colonel? You'll have to sign them again. I'll get the papers for you." Lt. Hawkeye turned to leave when the Colonel stopped her.

"There's no need to, I was saying it's preposterous to finish them all, because I already have. The only reason I trailed off is because I wasn't actually done yet. Now, may I tell you to finish **your** paperwork too, Lieutenant?" (Insert trollface here)

Riza looked surprised a the colonel's sudden change of expression, and let her actress skills take over.

"Ugh, I think I need some medicine for this sudden headache. May I be excused? It's really bad." Hawkeye hoped her improvisation worked.

"Fine, Lieutenant, but be here tomorrow. You wouldn't want to fall behind, **would you**?" (insert another trollface here)

Shoot, there was that annoying expression again. "So that was a computer?" Roy nodded. Nodding in goodbye, she closed the door behind her.

She went for a military phone and called Aerugo Terrorists. "Hello? Is this Aerugo Terrorists? Yes, I would like to order 1 computer hacker, yes, I would like a house delivery, yes, I work for the military, oh, I would like a one week pickup instead, actually, I'll pick it up at Central station and pay there, 2000 cenz you say? Put him under the name Hawkeye, please. Yes, I will return him after five days of use. Ok, thank you, bye." Hawkeye grinned smugly.

* * *

One week later

"Thank you for doing business with us, miss." The Aerugoian (me dunno what they call 'em) man took her 2000 cenz with a smile and pushed in her direction a (very) handsome man.

"This is Pierre le Rouge. I hope he fulfils your wishes." The man gave a salute and boarded the train.

In an effort to welcome him, Riza spoke first. "So, Pierre, if you don't mind me calling you that," He nodded in permission. "Why did you become a hacker if you could get even better jobs with your looks?" Pierre blushed and replied, "My family was shunned for generations. The model managers won't take me. My mother was sick until recently. I had to look after her and protect her from my bastard father who used her. When she died, she told me to stay in Aerugo to protect our family's hidden fortune. Afterwards, my father also died, and I could afford to leave my country for short periods, so I have been searching for it since."

Riza gaped in astonishment. "That's a pretty cool life story. I'm stuck with looking after an annoying colonel because he was my father's apprentice. Anyway, it's his computer we're hacking and I've already worked out a way inside. We're going to wait until midnight tonight." Pierre nodded in affirmative, surprised such a beautiful woman could hide such a capable mind. But then, she was a lieutenant after all.

* * *

At midnight

"Pierre, are you ready?" Pierre gave a nod to show he was. Riza unlocked the office door and strolled inside like she wasn't about to make someone hack the colonel's computer. "This is it," Hawkeye pointed to the box. Pierre then got to work.

"His username is flame29 and his password is rizaissosexy,"  
Riza's eyes bugged out. "Wait, WHAT!? He thinks I'm sexy!? I'll teach him tomorrow. Keep going." Pierre paused and continued. "He has 100 images of miniskirts, his background is a picture of miniskirts, all his documents are reports, oh, he has another one... it's a password protected document and its password is forriza... It's a failed love poem. ROFL!"

"Dude, SHUT UP!" Pierre reduced his full-on laughter to small chuckles, and then to silence.

"Want me to read it?" Pierre showed her the document. It read:

_I love you so Riza, I don't know what to think,  
After I saw your pink panties that once,_(Riza remembered when he walked in on her changing)_  
But if I ever gave this poem when I had the chance,  
You'd definitely think that I was a dunce.  
Even so, I still love you,  
To the top of the world.  
But please return me,  
Those spare gloves that you hurled._(Riza giggled)  
_I know about that call  
You made to those hackers.  
I know you are reading this,  
And thinking I've gone whackers.  
It is nice to know **that Havoc was here  
jdhfgkagnydgfowigfensoiwequn xgweoix  
**Sorry about th**liwufgiouwfnlixnrwgflxnug  
qiuwyfxqiuwyfgnxqyiuwfnxiuwq fnuxyi  
**My stupid subordinates thought it would be  
A good thing to mess up this poem.  
To Havoc,please give him  
A beating so bad,  
That people who see it,  
Will think he's so sad.  
To Breda, that eejit,  
Who put it bold,  
Put him in Lake Edna,  
He'll find it so cold.  
Leave Fuery be,  
He's an innocent boy.  
To Fallman the rat,  
Make him keep saying "ahoy!"  
Fullmetal did nothing,  
But I still want him involved._

_Make him spout nonsense  
When he is revolved.  
Sorry 'bout the end,  
I just need to add.  
But if you were my wife,  
All this wouldn't be so bad.  
~By Roy_

"Thanks Pierre. I'll drop you off at the station tomorrow, 'k?"  
"Thank you for everything, Riza."

"You're welcome."

* * *

Afterwards

After Riza did all that the Colonel requested (in secret), she thought it'd be nice to deal with him too.

"Colonel, can you come with me for a second, please?"

When they were outside the office, a funny thing happened:

"I think you're a dunce, Colonel."

"Lieutenant, you read it!"

"Yes. Yes I did and..."

"And what?"

* * *

Colonel Mustang was admitted to the hospital for a black eye and a broken jaw. No-one knows who did it to him.

~Moshimoshi~

**Moki: How was it? Was it goooooood?  
Ed: LOL! Pwned!  
Xiao Mei: Panda panda panda panda, panda panda panda! (Please review this story, it really counts!)**

**Moki: Luv you all~ Moohalol~**


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